Parenting

Photo credit: Kate Kooyman

“As a father has compassion for his children, so the Lord has compassion for those who fear him.”   Psalm 103:13

Being a parent has some really, really challenging moments. My lowlights reel from the past two weeks includes forcing my second grader to follow through on a performance commitment while he angrily panicked, feeling tearful and fragile after he beat me at checkers for the fifth time in a row (?!), and obsessively worrying about whether he will dread coming home for the holidays when he is an adult. These moments all included feelings of shame, anxiety, and depression. In fact, I would prefer to focus on my highlights reel, which is what you’ll find on my camera roll – moments of love, connection, pride, and raw joy. But it is our struggles that pull us together, so let’s take time here in this shared moment on the world wide web to pause and acknowledge the struggle that is parenting. Parenting is a hard job.

I don’t know about you, but here are some of the things that make mothering hard for me:

1. Kids have limited control over their emotions. That is triggering for my emotions, and sometimes socially embarrassing. Will I be judged for my son’s behavior? Will my responses mess him up?
2. Family of origin issues, patterns, and fears rise to the surface as I watch my son go through the same stages of development that I went through in the past. Can things be any better with him than they were with me? Are we doomed to repeat painful family patterns?
3. Parenting is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. It’s a 24/7 job, often with little thanks or praise along the way. Do I have the needed energy for this? Am I emotionally strong enough to detach my sense of worth from my parenting “results”?
4. Good parents are not overprotective (they let their kids get hurt and fail) and they are not neglectful (they provide safety and protection for their kids). So where is the magic middle point of non-overprotective non-neglectfulness? That perfect environmental blend of safety and risk that leads to resilient, confident, happy kids? Nobody knows…
5. I know that it takes a village to raise a kid – Lord knows I don’t have what it takes to do this well all on my own. But there sure are a lot of scary people out in that village, and I’m not sure when and how to let others into my son’s life unsupervised by me.
6. Some of the most important things in life must be modeled rather than taught didactically – honesty, faith, physically healthy habits, emotional resilience, good communication, etc. This means I have to demonstrate some basic level of competence with them in my own life if my son is to learn them himself. Crap.
7. Loving a child (or anyone) deeply means opening ourselves up to the possibility of deep pain. Bad things can happen to kids, or even to us – we all have stories, our own and others. This is scary.
8. Etc.

This is just an initial list, and if you’re a parent, you probably have plenty more types of challenges to add that reflect the particularities of your life. (Note: If you’re a parent who says that raising a child is all butterflies and rainbows, you’re not an honest parent. See #6 above.)

So I dedicate this blog post to all of the parents out there. If you would like to stop reading here and just dwell in the solidarity of shared suffering, be my guest – this is a nonjudgmental space. But if you are interested in hearing about how mindfulness can support us during moments of parenting pain and open us up to moments of parenting joy, I invite you to read on. Because parenting is one of the areas where I have found mindfulness to be the most delightful and impactful, and I am excited to share with you some of my experiences and practical applications in the area of mindful parenting.

Mindfulness is intentional awareness of the present moment with an attitude of openness, curiosity, and nonjudgmental acceptance. This is often effective in calming our intense emotions and providing a calming response for others who are struggling. This makes mindfulness a very effective tool in responding to children, who are still learning to moderate their own emotions effectively while often triggering our own emotional responses.

Savoring the Good
The most beautiful part of mindful parenting is when it creates connection with our children, helping us to experience and savor the joy-filled moments. Here are some simple steps I take, when I remember, to capture these moments of beauty:

1. Looking at my child’s face as often as possible to really see him
2. Looking in my child’s eyes when I am talking with him
3. Practicing awareness of the fleeting preciousness of each moment of childhood – remembering the repeated refrain of parents saying “it goes so fast” and choosing not to miss it
4. Tuning into all the senses of parenting – the sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and feels
5. Intentionally appreciating the beautiful, funny, charming, cute, and awe-inspiring aspects of my child while choosing to smile in response (physically and emotionally)
6. Making sure my schedule is filled with not just the things we have to do but also the things we like to do together

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Caring for Ourselves
One of the most useful aspects of mindful parenting is using mindful awareness to calm down our own emotions, making us more effective in caring for our children and also for ourselves. Here some simple steps I take, when I remember, to effectively manage my own emotions in the midst of challenging parenting moments:

1. Taking a step back to observe my emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations – putting a little distance there, while turning toward the emotion with curiosity, warmth, and even humor
2. Speaking kindly to myself – telling myself that it’s okay to be having a hard time, that I don’t have to do this perfectly, and that I’m doing the best I can
3. Reminding myself of common humanity – all parents struggle, and no one feels competent with their children all the time – all humans have challenging emotions
4. Reminding myself that “this too shall pass”
5. Noticing my thoughts wandering through the past and future, and moving my attention from worry back to the issue at hand in the present moment
   
6. Breathing into my challenging emotions, and focusing awareness on my breath
7. Noticing where I feel the emotion in my body
8. Choosing not to act on every uncomfortable emotion that arises – giving myself permission to take a break before responding to my child in a difficult moment
   
9. Attending to my own needs in the difficult moments, both physically and mentally – extending compassion to both myself and my child, noticing that we are both having a hard time in these moments

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Teaching our Children
One of the most impactful aspects of mindful parenting is the way it teaches our children to manage their emotions effectively. Here are some simple steps I take, when I remember, to support my child in applying mindfulness to his own life:

1. Showing open curiosity about all of his emotions without labeling any of them as good or bad
2. Modeling open curiosity about my own emotions without labeling any of them as good or bad, along with a sense of humor about my own failures and challenges
3. Minimizing opportunity for avoidance of his emotions, teaching him to do the meaningful things in life even when he feels nervous, angry, or bored
4. Practicing simple meditation techniques together, especially during times of emotional discomfort – we love the Stop, Breathe, & Think Kids app
   
5. Allowing him to see me meditating, and sharing observations with him from my own meditation sessions
6. Practicing full presence with him so that he knows he has my attention and listening ear as much as needed – making sure that he feels seen and understood, putting presence over performance

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If you are a parent, I would love to hear about your own moments of mindful parenting. How do you practice mindfulness in the context of your relationship with your child? What resonates with you about these approaches, and what would you add?

If you are not a parent, whether or not by choice, I hope you will find these thoughts useful in thinking about your relationship with your parents, with children in your life, or even with peers who are parents. During my many years of pregnancy loss and childlessness, I held much resentment toward parents who complained of their struggles. Mindfulness would have been helpful for me during that dark period of my life. Perhaps you have thoughts on that as well.

Either way, I hope you’ll drop me a line in the comments below or at [email protected].

Special thanks to Lora Armendariz, who invited me to blog on this topic. You can find her own lovely thoughts on the subject at The Beautiful Day Project – I hope you’ll check it out.

And thanks to my wonderful son, Milo, who when asked if he wanted to contribute anything about mindfulness to this blog post said "Yes. That it works really well. And that I really like it, so I think that other people might too.” So there you go -- try it out :).